"Setting Boundaries: A Guide to Healthy Professional Relationships"

Our personal boundaries set the limits that separate us from other people – not necessarily to exclude interaction, but to protect what matters to us, including our values and beliefs and to control who enters our psychological space, as well as our physical space.

Boundaries also foster more productive work environments. Co-workers' differing values, needs and beliefs sometimes lead to conflict, resentment and stress, so clearly defined boundaries can help to prevent these negative reactions.

But, if personal boundaries are such a vital part of our interpersonal interactions, why do so many of us struggle to build them?

In this article we will help you to assess, strengthen and maintain your own personal boundaries at work, in order for you to clarify your own work priorities and purpose so as to provide greater clarity to you in how to be a realistic optimist.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Boundaries are a crucial part of keeping relationships mutually respectful. They help you to look after yourself and those around you.

People who set strong personal boundaries empower themselves to exercise greater choice. They have a more robust sense of psychological safety, find it easier to relax, and are generally happier and healthier.

However, many people struggle to establish boundaries. They are held back by low self-esteem, a dread of upsetting people, or a fear of conflict. they are often people pleasers who may accept intrusions and interruptions, or subsume their personal feelings "for the good of the team."

It's natural to want to be seen as a capable, reliable "extra miler," but people who fail to set boundaries risk"generosity burnout," as others take unfair advantage of them. This can leave people feeling exhausted, humiliated and hurt.

For these reasons, establishing robust personal boundaries is self-caring. And an essential part of treating yourself – and those around you – with compassion and consideration. Even people with strong personal boundaries can experience bad behavior from others. If harassment, bullying or other inappropriate behavior becomes an issue for you, talk to your manager, or to your HR department if your manager is part of the problem.

How to Manage Your Boundaries

There are four main stages to managing your boundaries.

Stage 1: Analysing Your Boundaries

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you sometimes doubt that you have a right to have your needs met, or make little effort to have them met?

2. Do you avoid speaking up for yourself, and do you "let things go" without reacting to bad situations?

3. Do you tend to avoid conflict? Do you let others have their way or allow them to make decisions for you?

4. Do you sometimes agree to do things that you really don't want to do – and later regret it?

If you answered mostly "yes," then chances are that people see you as a "soft touch" who they can manipulate into doing what they want, without negotiation. It is time to strengthen your boundaries.

Stage 2: Understanding Your Needs

You may believe that to get along with others, or to do the job that you're paid to do, you need to give much more than you take. Perhaps you say things like, "Whatever you choose will be great!" and agree to do things that you don't want to do, and shouldn't have to do.

This approach may avoid conflict with others, but it can create conflict inside you. Anger and tension can build because you're not getting what you need, and this can lead to bad behaviour or burnout. It's far better to identify what you need and develop strategies to ensure that your needs are met.

So, think of times when you felt angry, tense or resentful, or times when your reaction to something embarrassed you. These were likely occasions when your needs were not met.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What need were you denied?

2. What did you really want?

Then, use positive affirmations like the following to articulate your specific needs:

I have a right to ask for ________, because I need ________.

It' is OK to protect my time by________, because I need ________.

I will not allow others to________, because I need _______.

This process of self-reflection and positive reinforcement will help you to develop the emotional intelligence to understand and manage your needs. It is important not to minimise your own self-worth – you deserve the treatment and respect that you give to others. Feel smarter and think kinder about your boundaries and your right to be treated with respect at work.

Stage 3: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Now that you understand the needs and boundaries that must be in place for you to be happy, you must decide to change your behavior –and let others know. They won't notice it by themselves.

The key is to be assertive. This means being firm – but not aggressive – about your own rights, needs and boundaries, while considering those of others. When you are assertive, you can get your point across firmly and fairly, but with empathy and respect.

An essential part of this is to practice saying "no," politely but firmly. Many people find this hard. After all, we are social animals, and we like to be liked, and useful to others.

If you say "yes" to everything, you risk not having enough time to do anything properly. You also risk not working on the things that are truly important, and ending up feeling used or frustrated. Far better to say "no"more often, and to concentrate on meeting your needs.

Effective time management is another crucial element of boundary-setting. When you put all your energy into one thing, without taking time for both your work and personal responsibilities, you risk overloading yourself.

Stage 4. Setting Boundaries Preserves Your Energy

If you don’t defend your boundaries, you end up putting others’ needs before your own, leaving you depleted and resentful.

When you set healthy boundaries, you prioritize your needs. This allows you to meet your own needs and to maintain your energy levels. 

Boundaries also help prevent you from taking on others’ problems and emotions, which can be exhausting.

Recognising The Signs Of Weak Boundaries?

So, how can you tell if you need to establish firmer boundaries?

Weak boundaries can lead to:

• Anxiety 

• Overwhelm and burnout

• Compulsive behavior such as overeating, drinking or overworking

• Resentment

• Feeling unable to express your emotions or opinions for fear of judgment or retribution

• Weak sense of self

• Lack of purpose or direction.

5 Thriving at Work Foundations

1. Know your rights

2. Find your core values

3. Establish your boundaries

4. Communicate your boundaries

5. Maintain your boundaries.

You will find more practical strategies about how to work with your strengths, maintain healthy boundaries and achieve your potential in other articles. Working with our horses can provide unique opportunities to gain insights into your own boundary setting challenges and strengths.

The Equine (EQ) Link

Equine Experiential Education programs can significantly assist people to tap into their professional development and leaderwork capabilities by guiding them in how to draw on their unique strengths and attributes. Equine assisted Team building and Leadership exercises can enhance this work.

Dr Deborah Hann

5 March 2024